30 seconds

Do you remember Tattoo? The Russian "lesbian" band?
Yesterday, while I was walking alone to the bus stop - being all independent, you know - this song shuffled in my headphones. It's a pretty nice song. And somehow it fits to what I want to write about. Just a moment that can change your state of mind and prove to you how silly you are to be mad/ sad/ angry.

Thank you for holding my hand when all I was doing was screaming. Thank you for being so calm and human and wise. Thank you for asking explanations and finding solutions, not placing blame and getting more angry.

Sometimes you think you are so smart (note to self here). Well, you are not :) And all you need is just a smile and a hand that calms you.

These past days things changed from bad to wonderful in just a matter of minutes. And this happened not only once. A session that seemed lost turned out amazing.
My state of mind changed from awful to tears of joy just because the kids were amazingly smart and involved. Two girls played guitar for us. The married couple of teachers danced in the back of the class. Than talked to us about education, while feeding us with cookies and coffee. Language was not an issue.

Amazing days filled with anger and happiness in just one hour all together.

And today I received a Facebook friend invitation from my mom :))

Just wait and pay attention for those state-of-mind-changing moments!

Breathe

People come and go in and out of your life, you know.

And it’s scary and it seems pointless. And you can never ever be sure. You can never be entirely sure that they won’t leave, that things won’t change, that their embrace, their smile, their way of looking out for you won’t go away. So what do you do? How do you cope with that? How do you say “I love you” and make dreams and plans which include them? How do you imagine a life that includes dinners with them, celebrations, discussions, walks, smiles with them? How do you wake up in the morning and not feel alone?

I always say that family is there forever; and also best friends, the closest ones you have, those who know you since you were a rock girl, a rapper teenager, a stupid romantic disaster. They will be there. I say that. But that is again unsure. People might change. People argue, people discover parts in them they never knew. People move away, kilometers away. Or you move away.

Maybe knowing who you are and what you want is hard, some say the hardest. But keeping it may be sometimes impossible.

So, little girl, what do you do? Do you chase them away? Do you close your heart and never get attached? Do you live in a grey picture every day? That is just stupid. Control what you can. Your thoughts, your way of making others happy, your way of building relations. Control if and when you say “I love you”. Control your words and embraces for those who love you now. For those who today, in this moment, love you sincerely. And the rest is just a big scenario.

Thank you for caring.

PS: Loving Grey's Anatomy philosophy :)

Balada pentru o minune - english version

Ok. I should start by announcing that the song (played by Vank for those interested) has nothing to do with this post. Firstly because the song is about love and this post has no clue about what it is. Many people ask me about what I am doing here (in Russia for those interested), my friends ask me to write to them, one at a time or all at once. My inner voice is asking me also to write down everything happening in order for me not to forget. And the millions of thoughts in my head don’t let me sometimes enjoy the million things I am living. So I decided to open my blog. Reopen it. Start writing. Anything.

I am in KFC, in the center of Ufa, the place I am in for already 2 weeks and until 7^th of October. I am in Russia, yes. And I will be here until 17^th of October, after visiting Sankt Petersburg and Moscow together with Yusuf, an Indonesian guy that is here with the same purpose as me.

Ok. Let me take it from the top. I wanted to change something around me. I entered AIESEC and thought this was the way to do it. I decided a few months ago to travel to a country where they needed volunteers like me. I decided to educate young people regarding HIV. I decided to go to Russia because I wanted to challenge myself, I wanted something hard and go to a country where they could use enthusiastic volunteers. And I wanted to experience the Russian spirit just the way I read about it in Anna Karenina. I admit, I also wanted badly to see Moscow J So one dream will be fulfilled.

So here I am, in Ufa, surrounded by young people just like me, from Ukraine, Indonesia, Malaysia, China, Turkey, Poland, Japan. And alone, despite that. Well, not exactly alone but on my own. I am learning again how to communicate (because I don’t understand absolutely anything from Cyrillic letters written on buses, shops, food). I am learning how to cook, how to manage my money and find alone my way home. I am learning again how to make friends and be myself with those around me. I am learning for the first time how to not get attached to people, hot not to need to get attached. I learn to do what I want, when I want it. To stand up and not get influenced.

I try to find substance in what I do, in the conversations I have. I find out life stories from people I just met. I try to get to know them better. God, I try to overpass the annoying language barrier. But some people you just feel, no words are needed. Just their smile and their look. I really believe so.

I feel responsible for Romania from here, far away. I feel responsible to represent Romania. I start even to appreciate my country more. I danced ciuleandra in the main square in Ufa, together with local people, during an cultural festival where I talked more about Romania that I ever did in my life. And I loved every second of it! And I want us Romanians to pay attention to what we say and how we say it, because we have an amazing country. It’s all about branding.

I miss home. (amazing thing about Romania: dor has no literal translation. It’s just a specific Romanian feeling). This missing feeling is though bearable. Which is good. Because I wanted this experience to be about me and about what I want to do. I wanted to fulfill my purpose here. What if sometimes you feel alone? Enjoy every emotion. Enjoy yourself. And after this you will be able to really enjoy everything around you.

Hm. I’m smiling :)

Balada pentru o minune

Ok, incep prin a anunta ca melodia (cantata de Vank pentru cei interesati) nu are nicio legatura cu postul. Asta in primul rand pentru ca melodia e despre iubire si postul asta nu are nici cea mai vaga idee despre ce este. Ma intreaba multi ce mai fac aici (in Rusia pentru cei interesati), ma roaga prietenii sa le scriu, la toti sau la fiecare in parte, ma mustra constiinta sa astern pe hartie tot ce se intampla ca sa nu uit. Si miile de ganduri imi umplu capul si nu ma lasa uneori sa ma bucur de miile de lucruri noi pe care le traiesc. Asa ca am hotarat sa deschid blogul. Sa il redeschid. Sa scriu. Orice.

Sunt la KFC, in centrul orasului Ufa, locul unde ma aflu de 2 saptamani si pana pe 7 octombrie. Sunt in Rusia, da. Si voi fi tot in Rusia pana pe 17 octombrie, dupa ce voi fi vizitat Sankt Petersburg si Moscova impreuna cu Yusuf, un indonezian aflat aici cu acelasi scop ca si mine.

Ok, sa o iau mai usor.
Am vrut sa schimb ceva in jurul meu. Am intrat in AIESEC si m-am gandit ca asa am sa pot. Am hotarat acum cateva luni sa merg intr-o tara unde e nevoie de voluntari ca mine. Am hotarat sa ma ocup de educatia tinerilor privind HIV. Am hotarat sa merg in Rusia pentru ca am vrut sa ma provoc, sa nu imi fie usor, sa merg acolo unde e nevoie de tineri entuziasti. Si pentru ca am vrut sa simt spiritul rus asa cum l-am citit in Anna Karenina. Si pentru ca am vrut sa vad Moscova, recunosc :)

So here I am, in Ufa, inconjurata de tineri ca mine, din Ucraina, Indonezia, Malayesia, China, Turcia, Polonia, Japonia. Si totusi singura. Insa nu neaparat singura ci pe picioarele mele. Reinvat sa comunic (pentru ca nu inteleg absolut nimic din literele chirilice de pe magazine, autobuze, alimente), invat sa gatesc, invat sa am grija de bani si sa imi gasesc singura drumul spre casa. Reinvat sa imi fac prieteni si sa fiu eu cu cei din jur. Invat pentru prima oara sa nu ma atasez de oameni, sa nu am nevoie sa ma atasez neaparat de ei. Invat sa fac ce vreau eu, cand vreau eu, nu sa depind neaparat de altii. Sa spun ce cred si sa nu ma las influentata.

Incerc sa gasesc semnificatie si substanta in ceea ce fac, in discutiile pe care le port. Aflu povesti de viata de la oameni pe care abia ii cunosc. Incerc sa ii cunosc mai bine. O, Doamne, incerc sa trec de bariera lingvistica atat de enervanta. Insa pe unii oameni ii simti fara cuvinte, ii simti din zambet si privire :) Eu asa cred.

Ma simt responsabila pentru Romania de aici, de departe. Ma simt responsabila sa reprezint Romania. Incep chiar sa o apreciez mai mult. Am dansat ciuleandra in piata principala din Ufa, impreuna cu localnicii, in cadrul unui festival in care am vorbit mai mult despre Romania decat am vorbit in toata viata mea! Si mi-a placut mult! Si vreau sa avem grija ce spunem si cum spunem, pentru ca avem o tara asa frumoasa. It's all about branding.

Mi-e dor. Dar un dor suportabil, totusi. Ceea ce e bine. Pentru ca mi-am propus ca aici sa fie despre mine si despre ce vreau eu sa fac. Sa imi indeplinesc scopul. Si ce daca uneori te simti singur? Bucura-te de fiecare emotie. Bucura-te de tine. Si abia apoi ai sa te bucuri cu adevarat de tot ce e in jurul tau.

Hm. Zambesc :)